Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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