In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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