the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
