Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
