Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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