My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
