You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
