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There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The uberlube is also flammable
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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