3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
