It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
