the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
