GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How's work?
Spinning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just found a bag of teeth...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
