The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
