I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
