You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
