dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
