I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
