aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
