i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
