Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
