Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we're making bets on your personal life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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