i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
