Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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