My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
