ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
