a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
