The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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