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life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
