He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
