Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just had sex on a roof
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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