You smell like a Billy Joel song
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How does it feel to date your dad?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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