return my video game
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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