So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
