Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
