I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
