after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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