you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
