You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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