if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
