Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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