i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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