i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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