I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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