now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
