I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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