I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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