Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
