sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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