so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
