she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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