I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
