I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
